eoy 2022

 2022 has been.... i wouldn't say it was super rough but more of a bunch of not so good things happening in the process of natural ageing and of course, growing up & being exposed to different experiences. 

Looking back at my old posts, i used to love to capture memories in the form of pictures, words... nowadays it's mainly on IG stories, and i guess i just do things and if its memorable i snap a pic of it. 

i have an incredible amount of things on my mind right now, and I finally have some time to really delve into it and just feel them through. 

i was a little grumpy today towards my mum, all because she was just nagging at me when i stepped home, and i being a sensi kid felt the tension of it all when i stepped into my house. Which is really stupid, i tend to compare and overthink so much that it just makes me this grumpy person. I know that side of me exists but i really hate it when it comes out and just spoils the mood for everyone. 

Relationship wise - i guess i'm not ready. I do wonder if I'm capable of really loving anyone. Liking is easy but loving is different. I guess I'll just keep to what I have and just plod on! No rush if there's no one that's suitable right hahaha. But of course, reminder that if red flags aplenty, drop his ass immediately.

This December, was the passing of two people whom I have heard of and seen battling cancer. It was a close friend's father, and another, my aunt. I cannot begin to understand the pain them and their loved ones have been through throughout the years. This is a personal note - where I would like to remember them and their strength, legacy, and love I've seen and grown to know. 

Here's to the constants - my bb Spot, my family, cousins, friends, even some colleagues, for sticking by. I really felt that so much more this 2022. It hasn't been an easy year, but we do what we do best - by sticking to the ones we love for support (and vice versa), taking things as they flow even if it's difficult. 

But of course please i genuinely hope so much for the people i love and myself - that we will eventually settle well and be happy. <3 

i'm so sorry and i dont know wht to do

 I was just looking through my blog, and there was this post where i was so disgusted with myself. 

It happened 7-8 years ago when i was in sec 1 i think.

I cant remember what transpired, but there was this girl that was left out in class.

She was also shunned by the other girls, so she came to me and my friends.

We were talking to the other girls as well, and though she came to us, we were okay w her, but we thought that she was sticking to us and didn't quite like that. We also heard stories from other girls that made her look bad.

So it begun - when she came to us we weren't outright mean, but we wanted to get her to not come to us. And when we were w the other girls, we talked about it, and to be blunt we (i mean me here, i cant remember abt the rest) was being a bitch.

i remember one day she sent me a message, saying that she felt betrayed and sad that I betrayed her trust. What happened was that we were talking about her w the other girls and she came into the toilet and inferred that we were talking about her. I was quite bewildered as i have never faced such matters before. I felt bad, then i was abit entitled about it. I guess its the kind of thing where you feel that you were nice to be her friend and she's like this to you. It's a horrible thought to think of someone this way, i really feel like shit right now but i know it does not change the fact that this happened and hurt her badly.

Looking back I am so disappointed with myself.... an absolute bitch and hypocrite, nothing less.

if i could go back in time, i'd try to reason with myself and maybe talk to her too. I read one of my posts saying that "its not that we dont want to be your friend, but if you changed, maybe we would".

I just.... :(

im not trying to be repentant on the surface, i genuinely do feel bad and have half the mind of reaching out to her and apologising. Would that be selfish of me? Because that would give me some closure, but on the other hand open some wounds of hers? Or would that also give her closure as well?

I really dont know but now i really wish tht i was kinder, knew how to stand up to pressure. back then i wasn't so mature, and i know there was a part of me who listened to what people said of her and felt quite sian that she was trying to befriend us so she wouldn't be alone. Regardless, i shouldnt have done what i did. no matter how trivial it seemed to me back then cus i felt like others were doing worse, it just added on to the bad she was facing. 

i'm so sorry, i truly am and I don't know what to do with it.

HOLA

Just had the most nerve wrecking 3 days... i've had since the job started

it happens everytime i try something new or am in new environments!

I feel like i haven't handled it better than before also so its abit sian that i guess I have not grown that way yet.

So my supervisor gave me this presentation to do, which i felt was a little extra.

But I did it anyway - and like i was so nervous cus it seemed like the components i was told to do - i think my supervisor forgot that she told me to add those in. 

THEN THERE WAS LIKE quite some discussions going on and i am just... fml.

now they want it to be presented to the entire division............

i cant T,T

It's 2021

 Hellooooo people who still read this! Or maybe me when i decide to re-visit this site again.

I'm back because..... let me just put in a long story here.

I've changed my job (to one with more work life balance and hopefully more opportunities) and it's in the mental health community care sector! Exciting as it is, it's 2 months in and I'm bored cus i've been just reading and reading. But then again the learning curve is extremely steep, and I'm hoping to be able to do a good job. I've slacked off alot, so it's time for me to really pick myself up and push harder. 

Anyway just had a meeting with one of the providers and omg they turned out to be this VWO whom i helped write something something for and then ended up not replying hehe.

I think those mental health and anxiety pages were quite a big part of my teenage life? 

I remember going to 6billion secrets, tumblr for all this MH support. Reading those made me feel like I wasn't alone in what I was facing (no matter how big or small), and made me realise how important it is to have a platform to share such matters, and to have people listen and validate and support these struggles. 

BUT at 26, i wish I could go back and tell myself to be more focused, work harder, and please stop the self loathe though it still happens now haha. The developments in how people (and even the government!) see youth mental health, and mental health in general are pretty encouraging to me. To incorporate it into daily life and conversations was something that was probably abit harder to do (and maybe was in the works) 10-15 years ago. 

OK I SIDE-TRACKED! So after re-visiting that part of my memory, I felt like i wanted to read this blog again and write here agian. BOY DO I MISS CHRONICLING ABOUT MY MUNDANE LIFE!

Dayre is ok, but the app has been really slow for me :C feels good to be typing on the keyboard and hearing the clackclackclacking. 

ANYHOOOOOO life's ok. Got over the boi in my previous post, as well as another. ON TO BIGGER TINGS and brighter days ahead. Need to stahp breaking my own heart hahaha. 

Alrighty hoping to update this space abit more, with pictures hopefully. <3

Maybe I miss you a teeny bit because of the comfort you bring and the happy memories of a happier time.

I know it's just me and I need to really get out of my head!

I guess we all need to go to our old places

Places where we spoke of our dreams, our sadness our problems. Perhaps listen to the same songs and try to remember how you felt. When you thought you were at your lowest, and when you felt like you were unstoppable.
What shall pass will pass, and what's meant to stay will stay. 
Time is fleeting and we are always feeling, so never feel like it's the end of your world. And never make anything your everything.


I think having too much time does make me feel very very extremely lost.

Not just on what am I gonna do in the future - ish, but also emotions and even friends, relationships... I don't know what to do most of the time. There's so much to do yet nothing to do at all. 

I'm not sure if I miss you you, or just because you were nice to me. I have to admit if we don't talk again it's my fault and I'm sorry. I don't know if you still want to talk to me though.

See so lost hahaha.

What am I expecting even.

remnants of 2018 and abit of 2019

Finally on my laptop and have some time to spare before i nap!!!
HAHAHAHAHA jokes.
It's already end of Feb, 2019. WHERE DID ALL THE TIME GO??
Time really does fly, and it's scary when you look back age 15 where you were just wishing to be 18. Right now I just wanna be 15 again. But that's 9 years ago???
And in a few years I'll be looking at this post thinking, wow i was 24 then.
And 24 isn't young anymore..
SCARY

OK so just a lowdown

2018

MAY - FINALS, and shifting of doggo shelter away from Pasir Ris :(
But ayyy got Spot the cat <3 loml.="" p="" true="">
JUNE - Loss of a loved one. Still feels fresh and unreal... i miss you.

Bali trip

JULY - DEC --- Internship and social anxiety

2019

JAN - Erm cleaning the house quite abit an going out and all
FEB - CHINESE NEWW YEARRRRRRRRRRRR and Phuket

I feel so sluggish right now. I think hot weather makes me suuuuuper unproductive... cos all i wanna do in this weather is to swim or chill by the pool.

I know it seems like I'm downplaying all that has happened in the past year, but it feels like I don't have the energy to type it alll out like I used to....

I'll blog bit about Phuket though!!! Getting them pix.
See you in abit, blogger.

I feel like I just opened a whole new can of worms.
H e l p

I wish things could just slowww dowwwn abit and I realise I've made a mountain
out of  a molehill but it's only fair and safe if I be frank about it... right?
but now the more i think of it i realise it could work out in a different way?
unconventional but maybe it could work..?
well, i need to sleep and study

25 Feb

HELLO FRIENDS and whoever else is reading this space
Haven't been here in a while.

CNY just passed, and welllll I'm just shocked at how quickly time is passing.
It's already almost the end of Feb (cough 10 more months to Xmas! THE COUNTDOWN STARTS) and  Prelims are just tomorrow. But guess who has been sick for the past 4 days (i actually had the intention to study)?? MEEEEEEE
It started off with a sore throat after having half a pint of beer. Then it became a slight flu and cough, and slowly a throat infection. But managed to fight it off with the help of some medicine (on Vday evening some more leh....) and CNY was a breeze! Then suddenly i got a 39.5 deg fever. Help.
Turned out to be a viral infection. So after missing out on loads of good  food and steamboat, here I am, feeling very alive and glad that I do not need to eat porridge anymore. I feel like I've drank water til it tastes bitter and makes me wanna puke abit. Such a drama queen viv.

Did i just type  out one paragraph of mundane content. mmm yes I did.
I AM SO BOREDDD. I should be doing IPT now but I am currently blasting Hotel California and blogging. I am so happy to type cos I just cut my nails and that annoying "taka taka" sound ain't there hehehehe.

Anyway  if I don't fail anything, I'll be graduating this June/August. Part of me is excited on starting this new journey in life (or rather, be thrusted forcefully into it cos it is a phase of life we all go through  cos we age and aren't cute anymore); out to meet new people and most importantly help others but also get money and give it to my family.

Ok but honestly what I'm most excited for is GRAD TRIP! So far I'm only going to 2 smaller scale trips, Bangkok and Bali. Hope it'll be fun! Was wondering if I should go for a solo-trip... I really want to because honestly it's now or never, before work commitments eat me up. 

Context : DEAD FLOWERS that my uncle made fall off the bushes cos he reversed the car into them. :(

Luckily, the owner was really nice abt it hahaha.

OKAY time for me to study! bye friends, til next time, and for future viv, maybe i'll include a better update when you're on your usual nostalgic escapades.

Back to business

Online platforms (twitter, dayre, blogger...) are pretty much an emotion dump for me whenever I feel shitty or get frustrated over even on the tiniest of things. I know it isn't healthy to keep indulging in negativity despite the comfort I get typing it alll out, so here's a change! A happy post coming up Viv! May I read this in 5 years and laugh at myself haha.
I update dayre more, cus its super convenient especially if I want to upload pix and all!

I have no idea what to type about, but since I am free I shall hehe just put up some random pictures

At thy favourite place! Place to unwind, to push myself, be amazed at how I still can run despite not touching them purple shoes for so long, and just loving the chill vibes from the environment! Water, open air and loads of trees will not go wrong! 

I can't remember where this came from though.. probably somewhere at RWS Sentosa? but i like it~ if only it could be more aligned...

CRAB BEE HOON!!!! and best of all, enjoying it with family <3 p="">

I guess here's where the Taiwan pics come!!!

MARCH 2017 

- Okay i gotta admit, I am the worst tourist ever! I can only remember what I do, but not the places haha. But I am mighty sure these pictures are taken in Hua Lien, on 2 separate days. 

Here's some of my favourites, 1. when we went to this beach with loads of rock formations and a cliff, and where I took one of my most fav pictures! hehe. Photography isn't a niche cus I really cannot keep up with all the technicalities to it but well it is fun when you manage to take something that you like! 

The place that made me feel like I was on Mars

I love this picture! Feels so calm, otherworldly. And that couple, you don't know what's going on with them. Are they affirming their love, breaking up or just talking shit and enjoying the view.. we will never know. But hey they are really a great addition to this picture imo hehe.

And this is at Qi Xing Tan, Hua Lien also. 

We rented bicycles from our resort to cycle down the beach. Nice view, but sadly it felt a little too short!

BEACH DOGE!

So dumb viv decided to get her FEET soaked in the Pacific Ocean; a moment of significance for me turned into one of folly when the waves rushed up to my knee while I WAS IN MA JEANS

joke

Okay and i think these pics are either in Taipei/Yi Lan

The view was gorgeous. 

Pretty dare devil-ish perching at the side of an almost 2-3 m drop! But the view was 10/10

doges of Taiwan <3 p="">

Aw waiting for a call??

it's tough life to be a pet. gotta work for his food.

This was taken in a pet cafe called Lang Lang Bie Ku! 

They take in rescue cats/dogs, most of them are friendly. If I'm not wrong, there have been instances where their babies get adopted! 

have more pictures but imma go get my coffee rn! 

Anyhoo some tiny things to look forward to, and I am pretty excited for school to start!

3 months of not having something LT to do is pretty boring!

People like me... don't deserve this kind of sincerity.

I feel so shallow, so undeserving of such kindness and sincerity.. I can't and won't promise anything because I really really don't wish to lead anyone on. I am selfish because I have my reasons for not taking this chance at all, not even stopping to consider.

I wish this did not have to happen;because my reaction to this can either be entirely positive or just downright brutal, I don't want to be poison. 

Just got to get this off my chest. It's going to be awkward oh god :-(

fault

In all the stories of r/s whether failed or not, we've always wanted (or just subconciously done it) to attribute blame to someone or something. Like, it's not me it's him, it's just not the right time etc.
Guess that's what I'm doing now?
I have never been in an rs before la but well gone out with someone yes..
I've always been a skeptical person, trust issues would be an overstatement but I guess it's near to that. One thing I'm always scared of is someone getting tired of me... I mean I am only fun for awhile, right? Then I get tired and boring. Ok this feels like I will be putting myself down the whole time.
But okay so i went out then like I thought the person was tired of me and that I wasn't worth so much of an effort la. And i also.. didn't think it'd work out. And I attributed part of the blame to the person, partly because it made me feel better, gave me some semblance of power sigh dumbshit.
From tiny things like,
"I don't like how he tells me what to dress.." ok this one i legit don't like la but then again maybe it was an expected thing? idk different people different expectations, right?
Then I realised it seems like there wasn't alot to talk about... but now i see that it was because I didn't know what to say...
and well I guess come to think of it it was just because of me.
Idk how to feel about it bcos I was a little sad, but then now I am not but it still bothers me.
I like to look at such things in a logical manner, to be as objective as I can. I guess time does give you  that emotional detachment to be able to look at a situation that way. But I can't help but want to address it and explain it.
But all I can say is I guess we were just looking for a Someone not The Someone.
Irrational.

not sure if i will ever regret posting this and if anyone reads this... i hope you don't judge because I am really just trying to figure things out...

Just typed a hugeeee chunk of words here but I guess this space doesn't need any late night sadness.
I feel like I just need a cry but then again I don't feel enough for tears. I'll figure myself and the world out someday.
i just want to tell someone how terrible i feel over the tiniest things and it's really just all on me and I don't even know why it's like this... so many things I miss out on, distance myself from, it's really all on me.

Some epiphanies here and there nowadays. This is all about living and grow up ain't it?
To realise and move on, to get realistic but not give up on idealism.
Dreams don't come true even if you work for it, so find another alternative (quoted from Jay Chou's Dao Xiang hehe) and I guess that's what I'm going to do.
Honestly I feel super super useless, underachieving and directionless.
I wake up everyday just to go to school or work, or to walk the dogs or meet my friends. I dont feel like I have anything long term to look forward to. They all say living day by day is a good thing. I mean, it really is what. Who doesn't like to be spontaneous, who doesnt' like to live in the moment?
But really, it's getting boring when you don't look to the future, when you don't have goals. I remember always wondering why is it like a must to have an ambition. Why can't I grow up just to be happy? Wake the fuck up missus, nobody is always happy. Sure sure feed on the motivational quotes you supplement yourself with daily to make yourself the sunshine you wish you can be.

But life is full of ups and downs, bad people with reasons and circumstances to be bad, good people whom you don't deserve but love you enough to be there... i feel like i'm veering away from what I wanted to type haha. I guess everything needs to have a balance.

Ok I shan't be tooooo dull haha here's Sprite a sheepdog in a farm in NZ! SHE DAMN CUTE jut supermanja and all that :))))))))))))))
Really miss the vacay there! Hope to be able to go back for a longer, more fulfilling one aft uni omggg

JAPAN DAY 2- KYOTO

i know i haven't updated in ages...

but  anyhooo had a trip of a lifetime w my family in NZ just a few weeks ago!

it's so strange to start work and school again after such a long and memorable escape...but i guess work and sch has to resume for me haha. viv you gotta cme back to reality.

anyway kind of missing Japan too, and em JP friends! the taste of independence was pretty sweet; albeit tight on the wallet but it was really an eye opener.

so here's when we were in Kyoto! Not alot of pictures.. but really loved the train ride and the short cycling trip we had around this tourist-y area of Kyoto! got to visit the bamboo forest there and a few shrines. 

OFF TO TOKYO

Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but steal some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.’

-Albert Camus

JP D1

JAPAN TRIP, DAY 1

We took Malaysia Air (bc the tix damn cheap) to Osaka! SG --> KL --> Osaka

The flight was pretty cool, the food and service not bad! I think there's still this stigma against taking MAS because of the unfortunate incidents that occurred before. :-(

ok but the 2nd flight (kl-->osaka) was so exhausting for me bc i couldnt sleep! I felt so uncomfortable bc i always need to lean on my side on something when I sleep.. idk how people sleep facing front man haha

 AFTER 6 HOURS WERE FINALLY OF THE PLANE WHEEE adventure starts here

 THE GYOZA WAS AMAZING

 AND SO WAS THE RAMEN. There was abit of kimchi inside too, super super good

ok day one was nothing much, just us lugging our fat luggages around Namba and the food street from 9am-12pm (IT WAS EXHAUSTING) and the shops weren't open til 11am! T'was so much better after we got to dump our belongings at the lodging (but sadly couldn't nua there bc house rules deem the room nua-able only after 3pm) and then washed up and went to gai gai!

I think we only stayed at the Namba area and sadly didn't get to venture out bc we were so tired and hungry and lost!

Not alot of photos for this day, and some are in my phone. SOBS too lazy to link it up to my lappy. THEIR TRAIN STATIONS DAMN CONFUSING HAHA it is something that needs getting used to. Thankfully the guys did their research and were the "directionals" of the trip so us girls just trailed behind doing our thang!
pretty rusty on this blogging thing (too used to dayre; where i get to update and upload anything that comes to my head in my convenience..guess this is what the new media does; everything at any time)
so ciao, til the next post!

21 hours

-Zhang Jia Jie, China

Love this picture, and the  many many  others trapped in my lap top photo gallery, threatening to explode my lappy memory. Looking at this, I feel the detachment from civilisation like how viv is detached from emotions haha. But it feels good. I remember my family was with me when this photo was taken (probably by my dad!) and I felt like I was on top of the world. Wouldn't mind staying there for a year; like how army peeps say, my rifle my buddy and me (i think); whereas mine is my food my family and me.





but it's the same here, anyway. my lovely friends family and me.
not that gorgeous a scenery but the sight of what I call home and my comfy zones are good enough.

been using dayre too much, i've been neglecting this space for.... close to 3 months haha oops

nothing much has changed, just that I'M GOING JAPAN TONIGHT!!
SO STOKED WILL DEFINITELY BLOG AND SPAM ABOUT THE JP TRIP!!!
HIGHLIGHT: WE R GOING FUJI-Q AND DISNEYSEA FUCK YESSSSS

Gotta admit I have an unhealthy obsession with theme parks ehehehehe.
will probably worry about employment when I'm back! so excited; finally travelling!
gonna be treading on Japanese soil in another 21 hours!

Haven't written anything on this space in such a long time.
boy, how  much life has changed.
I never imagined it to be this way, but well I guess we all have to be adaptive and live with it.
Nothing stops for no one. Even the bus drives away when you can't catch it.

Anyway, really really love this song.
It just holds so much meaning so much excitement and nostalgia to me.
I feel that it's a "chronological" kind of song. ok i can't put the words here because they aren't appearing in my head ugh idk how to describe.  But I can imagine, the first part where there's a change to a more upbeat and elegant tone, is when Howl meets Sophie hehehe. Makes me want to dance and just stay in the moment of fantasy and enchantment that this song brings.
I've always wished to be Sophie (haha had a crush on Howl heheh) and I love this movie so very much! Actually most of the Studio Ghibli movies.
I remember the first one I watched was when I was in primary school, Spirited Away, with my cousin sis and brother. We were in my cousin's home for a sleepover. Amazing childhood hahah.
One thing I hate about Studio Ghibli movies is the withdrawal symptoms you get... I would spend days getting over it each time I watched one omg. Except for Ponyo hahaha.
With all the cousins doing their own things, aunts and uncles getting busy and stuff.. idk I just can't help but wish that we could all be kids again. Nothing can replace that kind of joy and light feeling we had when we all travelled and played together. amd well, watching Michael Jackson MVs, musical soundtrack compillation concerts and Studio Ghibli shows with the cool  air in Genting.
So many wonderful and fun memories :')

No matter how pretentious this photo was (culminated from "EH LETS LOOK LIKE WE'RE HAVING FUN") I still really really love this.
One of the main takeaways from 4 years of TK are these bunch of people who have stuck by me no matter how ratchet I was (ugh sec sch pubescent bitchiness!) and to which I can just ramble on aimlessly and endlessly with.
I love you guys :'''''''')