i'm so sorry and i dont know wht to do

 I was just looking through my blog, and there was this post where i was so disgusted with myself. 

It happened 7-8 years ago when i was in sec 1 i think.

I cant remember what transpired, but there was this girl that was left out in class.

She was also shunned by the other girls, so she came to me and my friends.

We were talking to the other girls as well, and though she came to us, we were okay w her, but we thought that she was sticking to us and didn't quite like that. We also heard stories from other girls that made her look bad.

So it begun - when she came to us we weren't outright mean, but we wanted to get her to not come to us. And when we were w the other girls, we talked about it, and to be blunt we (i mean me here, i cant remember abt the rest) was being a bitch.

i remember one day she sent me a message, saying that she felt betrayed and sad that I betrayed her trust. What happened was that we were talking about her w the other girls and she came into the toilet and inferred that we were talking about her. I was quite bewildered as i have never faced such matters before. I felt bad, then i was abit entitled about it. I guess its the kind of thing where you feel that you were nice to be her friend and she's like this to you. It's a horrible thought to think of someone this way, i really feel like shit right now but i know it does not change the fact that this happened and hurt her badly.

Looking back I am so disappointed with myself.... an absolute bitch and hypocrite, nothing less.

if i could go back in time, i'd try to reason with myself and maybe talk to her too. I read one of my posts saying that "its not that we dont want to be your friend, but if you changed, maybe we would".

I just.... :(

im not trying to be repentant on the surface, i genuinely do feel bad and have half the mind of reaching out to her and apologising. Would that be selfish of me? Because that would give me some closure, but on the other hand open some wounds of hers? Or would that also give her closure as well?

I really dont know but now i really wish tht i was kinder, knew how to stand up to pressure. back then i wasn't so mature, and i know there was a part of me who listened to what people said of her and felt quite sian that she was trying to befriend us so she wouldn't be alone. Regardless, i shouldnt have done what i did. no matter how trivial it seemed to me back then cus i felt like others were doing worse, it just added on to the bad she was facing. 

i'm so sorry, i truly am and I don't know what to do with it.