meep

Finding it a little difficult these days to not let people's opinions and remarks of me define me, and results too, especially when there isn't much to "me" to begin with.

I think I've always been pretty soft spoken and restricted in a sense where I don't totally express how I feel and what opinions I have. In conversations (some) I feel left out sometimes and when I say things I try to adapt to the flow of the conversation, try to reply what I think will continue the conversation and topic oh lord how stressful this is. 

I guess sometimes I wish I had the bravery and confidence to just step out and express my opinions  with certain groups of people I know.

But I guess when you're in the shadows for some time, the shadow ultimately becomes your refuge that you go into and hide unnoticed, just so that your heart will feel a little less panicky on what to say so that you won't "disappoint" people with your lack of replies that will continue to engage them in the conversation.   

& I get the common, oh you're so quiet I didn't know you talked so much You look like 80% of the human population 

All these just....Idk make me feel pretty insignificant? Yes I've  been told that I am relatively invisible, and I know  that too. But I know also I have friends who know me inside out who love me very much and I couldn't give another fk about this invisible thing. 

But well Me, Invisible, Quiet, Insignificant...These just will catch up and consume you and leave you feeling like  shit and drowning in tears (sometimes) vulnerable. 

Okay gotta be a little less bitter about things! 

I definitely know this "loss of definition of self" is just a phase and I'll come to a conclusion that I won't care on what defines me and there is no need to define myself as long as I am the happy child I am!

We all have these sad thoughts that plague our minds from time to time (After tumblr/twitter/insta -trawling, I have found that it happens alot at night hahaha jk i alr know it happens alot at night) well, low self-esteem, nasty comments we get in the day-to-day  interactions with people, pepper them with a dash of over-thinking and we get tears, puffy eyes, sad tweets, sometimes self-inflicted cuts, and I just hope that whoever (if anyone) is reading this, remember the people who "defined" you they do feel this way too sometimes.

Life isn't ceteris paribus, and most certainly emotions aren't too. To feel happy and sad at the same time. frustrated and confused, relieved and sad.

Don't cheer up instantly, I know  it doesn't work this  way.

Take your time to recover & heal the heart and damaged esteem!

                                  

Really can't wait for A levels to end??? Listening to Christmas songs just makes me all excited for the post-A level holidays! 

Anyway gotta be thankful for everything I have and everyone also!

School has been pretty alright,and the company there is pretty  great. :-)

Alrightttt medicine making me  drowsy! Before I type anything intelligible (is it this word???) I shall go off hwhwh

Bye bye 

(pls  don't be intrigued by how odd the posts recently are, so emotionally disorganised and all)

(Well we all aren't alone (weird grammar) so we shall all help one another during our sad times and celebrate together during our happy times yar)

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